let go of it all? When can I say goodbye to all the bits and pieces that belonged to her? When can I move beyond the little capsule where I keep her memories and moments?
I try to dignify my responses – lack of them, really – by giving excuses for grief. It doesn’t work. I can’t let go, not yet. Maybe not ever.
No one should lose a child. No one should be told ‘it’s time to let go’ when it comes to the loss of a child. No one should tell me what to do to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’.
I can’t. I won’t. I feel that loss every day. I feel it more than life. There are moments in the days and nights of my existence where I can see or feel nothing more than her tiny little spark of a moment. That’s it. There is no more to my presence than the feeling of her life that wasn’t.
I don’t even know if she took a breath.
I don’t know what she looked like.
How long has it been? you ask. More than 2 decades, nearly 3 in fact. The grief is all I have of her, so I hold it, ever so gently, in my life.
That sadness holds onto me whenever things go north (don’t forget, I’m Australian, so things don’t go south for us, they go north) and I don’t want to get out of my little egg-shell.
I had one of those days yesterday when I heard a woman saying something about how she’d shipped off her two kids to the ‘system’ and how it was ‘good riddance’ – but I saw behind the facade of brashness. To the fear she’d never see them again, never hear their voices, never get to know the real person.
Why were they taken from her?
Worse than what happened to me and my child when they took her tiny body away without me seeing her; when they deposited her with the medical waste and told me to get on with my life.
These kids were taken because the mother was of a racial type the authorities consider to be ill-equipped to care for their own children. It still happens. Even now.
People from a government agency go out to ‘inspect’ the families, and if they deem the child is at risk – zoom – ‘take ’em away’ to a ‘proper’ home.
It still goes on.
The appropriate things to consider doing if the specific race of people is considered something other than capable, it to enable them to become capable – don’t you think?
And I do because I know what it is to lose your child. Your only chance …
And yes, I do know there are kids who should be removed from a parenting situation because they are at risk, serious risk – and there aren’t enough caseworkers to deal with all of them, but where on the scale of risk does the word Race or Ethnicity come into it?