You better believe it! There is a cat day (every day, if you’re a cat) and there is no dog day (unless you’re a dog – and then, the cat says it’s because you deserve it!).
Today is Cat Day. Pat the cat, massage the cat, adore the cat. Look into the eyes of the cat. You know you want to; you know you have to – if you don’t do this, it will haunt you forever.
And I mean – forever! A cat has a long memory. Elephant! Pffffftttt! Nothing compared to Cat. Cat has memory of all cats; knows of all accoutrements necessary for the comfort of cat. So you better provide these things, or you will (surely) suffer the consequences.
The first thing – pat the cat, and massage the right places, just firm enough, and nose to tail please. Do not stop until the cat advises that it is time to sleep.
Second, allow the cat to massage you with the claws – this is good for both the claws and you. Nothing good comes without a little pain. You need to know this.
Third, massage the cat several times a day, for at least 20 minutes each time. That should be sufficient, but if not, the cat will advise. Do not reduce this schedule, or you will – for your own good – suffer the consequences. You need to know your place.
Four – feed the cat only the foods advised. Preferably very fresh (but not cold – you have microwave for the sole purpose of warming food for cat), and still a bit wobbly and bloody. Do not place food at floor level. Only dogs belong at that level. Cat is fed on the table or the bench, preferably close to the preparation area to ensure satisfactory standards are maintained.
Five – Do not disturb cat when napping, feeding, or sunning. Undertake the allocated tasks only when cat advises – please do not try to think for yourself; it can only end badly. Heed the advice of one who knows, please.
Six – ensure sun comes into at least two different sleep locations at all times (daylight hours – cat knows you cannot influence day length). Also ensure the appropriate bedding and pillows are in these locations, and moved as the sun moves.
Seven – Sit perfectly still if the cat needs the warmth of your lap. Stroke as advised, and do not move. Do not wriggle. Do not cough or fart or complain of discomfort. These things are distressing to cat and may cause claw responses.
Remember all of these things, and your life should be adequately happy. Forget even one of these things, and cat will [you know what cat will do, don’t you?].
Live long and pat properly!