Today is Cat Day!

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You better believe it! There is a cat day (every day, if you’re a cat) and there is no dog day (unless you’re a dog – and then, the cat says it’s because you deserve it!).

Today is Cat Day. Pat the cat, massage the cat, adore the cat. Look into the eyes of the cat. You know you want to; you know you have to – if you don’t do this, it will haunt you forever.

And I mean – forever! A cat has a long memory. Elephant! Pffffftttt! Nothing compared to Cat. Cat has memory of all cats; knows of all accoutrements necessary for the comfort of cat. So you better provide these things, or you will (surely) suffer the consequences.

The first thing – pat the cat, and massage the right places, just firm enough, and nose to tail please. Do not stop until the cat advises that it is time to sleep.

Second, allow the cat to massage you with the claws – this is good for both the claws and you. Nothing good comes without a little pain. You need to know this.

Third, massage the cat several times a day, for at least 20 minutes each time. That should be sufficient, but if not, the cat will advise. Do not reduce this schedule, or you will – for your own good – suffer the consequences. You need to know your place.

Four – feed the cat only the foods advised. Preferably very fresh (but not cold – you have microwave for the sole purpose of warming food for cat), and still a bit wobbly and bloody. Do not place food at floor level. Only dogs belong at that level. Cat is fed on the table or the bench, preferably close to the preparation area to ensure satisfactory standards are maintained.

Five – Do not disturb cat when napping, feeding, or sunning. Undertake the allocated tasks only when cat advises – please do not try to think for yourself; it can only end badly. Heed the advice of one who knows, please.

Six – ensure sun comes into at least two different sleep locations at all times (daylight hours – cat knows you cannot influence day length). Also ensure the appropriate bedding and pillows are in these locations, and moved as the sun moves.

Seven – Sit perfectly still if the cat needs the warmth of your lap. Stroke as advised, and do not move. Do not wriggle. Do not cough or fart or complain of discomfort. These things are distressing to cat and may cause claw responses.

Remember all of these things, and your life should be adequately happy. Forget even one of these things, and cat will [you know what cat will do, don’t you?].

Live long and pat properly!

Puuuuuurrrrrrrrr!

A Muse in the . . .

What is the word for a whole passel of muses? Multiple voices yelling that it’s time they had a chance to say something?

Musae – that’s what it is. Hundreds of them, hanging around, waiting – not quietly – for their chance in the sun (or words). But they never shut up, never go away, never leave the mind at peace. Never.

In the bath, and my other half comes in, asks “you okay?”, I say “yeah, we’re fine.” he says “we?” I say “yeah, me and my muse – it’s telling me a story.”

True. This happens all the time. I don’t think I’ll live long enough to tell all the stories that come to me that way. Too many.

I worked it out once (this thought came from the muse of numbers). If I wrote ten books a year, I’d have to live for at least another fifty years to get them all done. Fifty years of writing ten books a year! I sincerely hope that some of these muses have more ears to tweak than just mine.

They do, you know. How do I know this? There was a story I ‘put out’ in an (almost) complete form that was so similar to one put out only one year later by a famous author that I knew the muse had ventured far and wide to get those words into an appropriate ear. So they do get around.

What does it mean? Well, and I think long and hard about this, it means that I can pick and choose the stories that interest me and take them on; leave the others – that muse can go find somebody else to pester.

It does seem to reflect that certain ‘themes’ of stories seem to come out at about the same time (relative thing, this, so take it as a broad moment of about 2 years or so). Remember the dome stories – profligate for a few years, then disappeared. You can find them – they’re everywhere! I promise. The muse who holds that story is not there for just you – it is the job of the muse to find someone to write it – and the more seeds it drops, the more likely it is to get its way. I promise.

So if you have a good seed for a story, get writing. That muse will be stepping out on you, moving the idea here, there and everywhere – it won’t wait, and nor should you.

This post was meant for yesterday, but the musae kept me busy, so it’s a day late! Blame them – it’s not my fault!